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Triangle November 10, 2000 (White) Written by: Jane Espenson |
| Teaser |
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INT. XANDER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (NIGHT 1) XANDER and ANYA in bed. Intimate and affectionate, talking softly together late at night.
You ever have that feeling where there's something you know you're supposed to do and you forgot what it was?
Nope.
I've been having that feeling and I just figured out what it was. Like, three weeks ago, Riley asked to borrow a crescent wrench, and I keep having this feeling like I'm supposed to give it to him.
That's not going to happen. Unless he comes back. Not to get the crescent wrench. Just to come back.
I just mean, sometimes I sort of forget he's gone. And then it's like, where's Riley? Oh right, the Central Republic of Where in the Hell.
Xander? If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. Big flashing red lights and one of those clocks that counts down like on a bomb in a movie. And there's this whole bunch of colored wires and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one and then at the last second... no... the red one and click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left. Then you don't leave. Like that, okay?
Check. Big bomb clock.
Okay.
By the way, I'm not going to want to go.
Good. Because that would hurt. I can't think about how much that would hurt.
C' mere. Xander wraps himself around Anya as if to protect her from even the thought of that pain.
Maybe it's her.
Huh?
Maybe it won't happen to us because it's all about her messing things up. She couldn't make it work with Angel and now she let Riley go away.
Relationship debris is kinda piling up on the Buffy highway.
Humans make the same mistakes over and over. I saw it when I was a vengeance demon. Some guy dumps a girl, she calls me... I exact vengeance, blah blah, then the next year, same girl, different guy. After you smite a few of them, you start going, my goodness, young lady, maybe you're doing something wrong here too.
I don't know if it's a pattern with her. I mean, she's had some real bad luck. What bothers me is that this time, the second time, it's even worse. I mean, Angel... he had to go. There was no way. But Riley, that could've actually been something. And I just... you know, now that it's happened again, man number two, I wonder how she's dealing with it. CUT TO: EXT. CLOISTER - NIGHT A YOUNG NUN, in a habit, is angled away from us, a few blond hairs escaping from her wimple. She walks in a row with OTHER NUNS. A few OLDER NUNS watch the processional. Gregorian music plays -- soft chanting. Suddenly, a VAMPIRE charges into the area. NUNS SCREAM AND SCATTER. The young nun turns to look and we see that SHE IS NOT BUFFY. She is grabbed by the vampire. We think he means to attack her, but he just throws her to one side... he's not attacking, he's running from something... BUFFY Runs in, pursuing the vamp. She tackles him. There are some fancy sweeping kicks and punches. Buffy stakes the vamp. It DUSTS. Buffy picks herself up, dusts herself off. Buffy sees the young nun, still on the ground. Buffy helps her to her feet.
What... what was that? He looked like, like a demon?
Yes, he did. Are you okay?
I think so. Buffy starts to lead the nun carefully away.
So, um, about being a nun? With the whole abjuring the company of men thing? How's that working for you? The abjuring.
Um... good.
Do you have to be, like, super- religious?
Well, uh...
How's the food? BLACK OUT.
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| Act One |
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INT. TRAINING ROOM - DAY (DAY 2) Buffy and Giles are in the training room. He is holding up pads that she hits and kicks as they talk.
Now switch. Right lead. Buffy repositions herself, right leg in front.
You really think they might be able to help us?
You mean will they help us find out something about Glory? Yes, I think so. Buffy hits him with a right.
Saw that coming. You dropped your shoulder. The resources that the Watcher's Council has at its disposal... I mean, the central library alone...
Don't talk about their books again. You get all... and sometimes there's drool.
Sorry, but we really have exhausted all the materials I have here and we've come up empty. She hits him with another right.
You're still dropping your shoulder, I know you're going to go with your right. You're doing it again. She hits him hard with a left.
Little move I came up with. Nice, huh?
(slightly shaky) Yes... terrific.
Glory's all you're going to talk to them about, isn't it?
Let's take a break. They stop training. Giles rubs his sore arms.
Answer me.
I'm not going to mention Dawn's name. I promise I would never do that.
But you're going to tell them there's a key. That Glory's looking for something called the key.
Knowing her goal is crucial. If anything will help them uncover her origins and plans...
I know, it's just that I trust those Watchers about at far as… (noting Giles' arm rubbing) …you could throw them.
Thank you very much.
And I gotta say, I'm a little freaked out at the idea of them knowing anything that could point them to Dawn.
Truly, Buffy, if I saw an alternative... If the Initiative were still around I'd say we consider using them. But they're gone. Riley was our last link to the government-- (realizing) Sorry. Didn't mean to...
It's okay. You can say his name. She gives him a smile, almost convincingly.
I'm doing all right. I mean, these things happen. People break up, they move on. For a while it feels like the end of the world, but in the big picture...
It's not so huge.
Not so huge? I just said it feels like the end of the world! Don't you listen? (then) I'm teasing. Sort of. I'll be okay.
I do hate to go away if you're feeling badly...
Hey, any chance you might find out something about Glory -- I'm thrilled to have you gone. INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY - LATER It's a little later and Giles stands in front of Buffy, Anya, Xander, WILLOW and TARA at the table.
You're going away for a week? That's great!
Yes, yes. Everyone seems quite delighted about it.
Well, I get to run the store, right?
You... There's quite a lot for one person to do... (consults a list) The trashmen, for example. They've been making such a mess in the alley that the recycling people can't get in there to collect. Someone has to talk to them. Also, there's some health inspector who has decided that potions are technically "food," and that we need a full inspection.
I can take care of that.
Food? Who's sitting around saying, hey, I could go for some tasty potion.
I'm envious, Giles. A trip to England sounds so exciting and exotic. (realizing) Unless you're English.
Don't worry about the shop. We can all help. Open up the shop and close it, deal with everyone...
We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.
I said "quirky".
Hello? I work here. I'll take care of everything.
Yeah, Anya can do it.
Thank you, Sweetie. Well said.
Anya, I trust you completely with the inventory and the money. But dealing with people, a certain finesse may be required...
I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to a health inspector. I can also distract him with coy smiles and bribe him with money and objects!
There, see? She'll be great.
Giles, don't worry. I'll help her take care of everything. It'll be ship-shape. Better. It'll be shop-shape!
Hey! Xander, she's talking to Giles like I'm not here! Make her stop!
Perhaps I should call the airline…
I'm just trying to help out! Xander, tell her!
...schedule an earlier flight back. Excuse me. Giles crosses away.
(to Xander) Well tell her I don't need her help! Anya and Willow are both looking at Xander. He looks very uncomfortable.
(to Buffy) Hey, how goes the slaying?
I killed something in a convent last night.
In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction. Tell us all about the killing, Buff.
Pretty standard. Vampire staking. But I met a nun and she let me try on her wimple.
Okay, now we're back to frightening. INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY/JOYCE'S ROOM - NIGHT Buffy is walking past Joyce's room. The door is open. Buffy glances in and sees something strange. Stops and backtracks. Joyce's bathrobe is lying on the bed. Buffy enters. JOYCE enters from the bathroom, wearing street clothes. She wears a scarf on her head to cover her recent surgery.
You, with the actual clothing. Who are you? (calls out) Dawn! Come look at this!
Hard to recognize me, huh? Joyce sits on the bed, leans against the headboard, obviously still weak.
No more bathrobe. DAWN enters.
Whoa.
I looked at it today and there it was, all fuzzy and, and, blue, and… I couldn't stand it anymore.
Well the rest of us aren't gonna miss it much either.
It was getting a little ripe, Mom.
Maybe we should burn it.
It would keep the bugs away.
It doesn't smell-- Fine, fine, make the funny jokes at the expense of the woman with the hole in her skull. Joyce leans back, closes her eyes.
(to Dawn) Come on, she's tired out. Buffy and Dawn exit into the hallway. INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY/BUFFY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Buffy heads into her bedroom. She sits on the bed, picks up a magazine. Dawn follows her.
Whatcha doing? Buffy keeps reading.
Playing soccer.
Can I hang out in here?
Don't touch anything. Dawn looks around the room, pauses at a bulletin board with a blank space on it.
You took down his pictures.
Yeah.
I think I would've done that sooner. Like, boom, don't want to see that face again. Buffy puts down the magazine.
It didn't feel like that. I was never angry with him. (then) Okay, that's a lie. I was angry with him, but… not like I didn't want to see his face.
God, Rusty Keeler didn't sit with me at lunch, and I cried for two days and secretly spat in his milk one time. I haven't even seen you cry at all.
But if I had milk-access, oh, the spitting would be spectacular.
Be serious. Dawn sits on the bed next to Buffy.
I was just starting to kinda like the guy and then... gone. So fast.
It wasn't really so fast. Him leaving. According to everyone who isn't me, it was kinda gradual.
Oh. (beat) Does that make it better?
No.
Because you should have noticed earlier?
Stop being insightful. It's creepy. Look, yeah, it hurts. A lot. In all kinds of horrible ways... the way where I'm furious at him, and the way where I blame myself, and all the little ways where I imagine how I could have fixed things...
It'll get better. Won't it?
I hope so. I mean, yeah. It has to. I'll just keep going on like I am, and it'll get better. Every day it'll be a tiny bit better.
Every day?
Not really. But it'll be better soon. Dawn leans against Buffy's shoulder.
It still feels all sudden to me. With him gone where no one can talk to him.
Yeah. But, you never know, maybe he'll come back. Like, he hates the jungle, or, maybe, he wants to try again. I could say the stuff I didn't get a chance to say. INT. SPIKE'S CRYPT - NIGHT SPIKE stands in front of his Buffy mannequin, holding a box of chocolates. He looks at the mannequin.
Um... there's, there's something I got to tell you. About showing you Riley, in that place. I didn't mean to... Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed... I mean, by him, not me. I was trying to help, you know. Not like I made him be there, after all! Actually did it to help you. Best intentions. He starts pacing, now, talking animatedly with the mannequin.
Pretty state you'd be in, thinking things are all right while he's toddling halfway round the bend. Oh, I'll insult him if I want to! I'm the one on your side! Me! Doing you a favor! And you being dead petty about it. Me getting nothing but your hatred and venom and...! Having worked himself into a good ol' rage, Spike starts beating the mannequin with the box of chocolate.
Ungrateful bitch-- Eventually he catches himself, breathes deep, calms himself down. He tries to un-crush the crushed box. He starts over.
Buffy. Yeah. Something I wanted to tell you... INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY (DAY 3) Anya, Willow and Tara are alone in the shop. Anya is busy at the counter. Tara is pulling vials of powder off shelves over her head, at Willow's direction as she consults a list.
Good. And... and the hellebore. It's up and to the right.
Hellebore. One of my favorites. Tara reaches for it, pulls it off the shelf. Adds it to a collection of vials piled on a table.
Powerful stuff. I tried to use it to de-rat Amy and it didn't work but I think it might've made her really smart because she's giving me these looks like she's planning something. Rubbing her little paws together-- Anya has noticed them now, and hurries over.
Hey! What are you two doing?
Oh, we're going to try out a few spells.
There's this thing you can do, where you create light, and we were thinking, what if you could make, like, simulated sunlight...
So then, you know, there Buffy is, middle of the night, and she finds this whole nest of vamps, and she just goes... Presto--
Only it wouldn't be "presto" exactly...
And zhoomp... there's this little ball of sunlight floating there. Vamps get dusty.
You don't want to look right at it, of course ...
That sounds swell, but you can't use this stuff. Giles has only been gone two days and you're already causing trouble. You shouldn't do things while he's gone.
"He should not be here while your mother is out." Tara smiles at this.
What? What's that, what are you doing?
The Cat in the Hat. The book. This cat does all this mischief when these children's mother is away...
It's so cute. He balances a bunch of stuff, including this fish in a bowl. But don't try it for real when you're six, because then no more fish for five years.
You're quoting literature I have no way to be familiar with. You're trying to make me feel left out. And you're stealing!
I'm just taking stuff and not paying for it. In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?
Willow, maybe we should just pay--
Anya, Giles would totally be fine with this. (to Anya) Come on. It'll be fun. We'll show you how to do some stuff. You could be floating pencils by the end of the day. Anya hesitates...
Sometimes I miss having powers-- (catching herself) Oh! Oh! I know what this is. This is peer pressure! Any second now you're going to make me smoke tobacco and have drugs!
Look how easy... Willow raises her hand and a STICK OF INCENSE FLOATS OFF THE TABLE.
Hey! That's our incense! Don't float the merchandise! Anya grabs the incense. Then THE VIAL OF HELLEBORE RISES OFF THE TABLE. Anya grabs that too. Anya looks around... ABOVE THE COUNTER, THREE MORE THINGS ARE FLOATING. Willow smiles.
Stop that! Xander enters.
Hey! Look at this! My two favorite girls! (noticing Tara) Three! Three favorite girls.
Xander! Willow is quoting and floating and, and stealing! She's a burglar! Willow lets THE OBJECTS SETTLE.
A burglar?! Right. One of those cunning broad-daylight in-front-of- everyone burglars! Xander, I'm just doing a spell to help Buffy.
Xander, Giles left me in charge. Tell her that. Xander tries to joke his way out of it:
Hey, hey... Judge Xander requesting a recess here.
You really shouldn't pull him into this...
Yes! See! Tara's with me. Protect me, Tara! Jokingly, he pulls Tara in front of him as a shield.
(joking) Bet you're sorry you said anything, huh, Tara? Tara nods, meaning it. Willow starts scattering powder around the counter...
See, Xander, what I'm doing, it's a good thing. And if it doesn't work, then Giles never even has to know - Oops! Willow jumps back from a BURST OF RED SMOKE. THE CASH REGISTER IS GONE.
The cash register! What did you do with the cash register?! Dear God!
I'll fix it! I'll fix it! She waves her hand, says:
Recursat! The CASH REGISTER REAPPEARS, SMOKE STILL CURLING AROUND IT. ITS TOP IS OPEN, RIBBON TORN AND EXPOSED, CASH DRAWER HANGING OPEN -- it's been through a horrible experience.
Look. All back. (lying) Good as new. Anya checks the cash drawer. She's so appalled, she's almost speechless.
Money. Did you hurt the money? Money okay? Both women turn to Xander.
(to Willow) You endangered the money!
Right, of course that's what she cares about. (imitating Anya) I like money better than people. People can so rarely be exchanged for goods and/or services.
Xander! She's pretending to talk like me!
(to Xander) Well, can you even believe how she's acting?
Okay, you know what? I'm tired of being the one in the middle. I'm not going to let you pull me into this.
I'm not--
Whatever the issue is between you two, just figure it out without me. Xander walks out angrily.
Xander! Don't go! Xander exits, slamming the door.
(to Anya) You made him mad.
Me?! Tara starts backing up gingerly, heading for the door.
Tara? Who do you think he was more mad at?
Um, you know? I think maybe, maybe you two have some things to work out. You know, just really talk. Tara exits. Anya and Willow are left alone. INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY - LATER A long beat of silence. They're not talking. Not working anything out. But they have reached an uncomfortable compromise. Anya watches grumpily as Willow works on spells at the counter. Anya carefully writes down everything Willow uses and how much it costs. Willow adds things to an ornate bowl.
Fleabane.
Fifteen cents.
Salamander eyes.
Ten bucks for twelve. Bargain.
Bindweed.
Oh, that's a pricey one--
Would you stop that?! It's very distracting. And ten for a dozen is outrageous for those eyes. They weren't even worth that much to the salamanders!
Fine. Make your little ball of sunshine. I'll be quiet.
Good, because this spell is very sensitive. Once I begin, any non-ritual word can disrupt it.
Fine.
Okay. Here we go. Long beat. Willow draws a breath...
Did you start yet?
No. Shh. This is it. Spirits of the light, I invoke thee. Let the gloom of darkness part before you, let the moonlight be made pale by your presence. Spirits-- A (CGI) green circle of light appears and hovers over the bowl like a halo.
Is it done? Willow turns to stare at Anya, and she doesn't see that the circle of light is wobbling now, and turned white.
Shh. Spirits of light, grant my wishes--
Sorry. Thought it was done.
Are you trying to screw this up? The circle grows spiky now, like a staticky noise mapped on an oscilloscope. It glows pale red.
No, no. I'm sure you can do that all on your own. The spiky circle is deep red now and it grows larger...
Hey, Anya. Whatever really has you mad, just say it like you do every other thought that stomps through your brain.
I believe I have said it.
No, you haven't. Come on... The circle now has grown beyond the margins of the bowl. One of its edges is now protruding over A FRAGMENT OF TWISTED PURPLE CRYSTAL that was sitting decoratively on the counter.
Let it out! Light ARCS ELECTRICALLY between the circle and the crystal. There is a BLINDING FLASH and a SHATTERING NOISE. Anya and Willow jump back away from the counter. The crystal lies there in fragments. And in front of the counter stands... OLAF, an enormous hairy Viking-type troll, brandishing a huge hammer. A leather hammer-holster is hung around his waist -- he'll use it when he needs to use both hands. He turns to the girls...
ARRRRRR! BLACK OUT.
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| Act Two |
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INT. MAGIC BOX - CONTINUOUS - DAY Where we left off. Olaf ROARS and looks around him. He spots the door and lumbers toward it, smashing things with his stone hammer as he goes. Tables and shelves splinter. Willow and Anya look at each other, alarmed.
He's not a ball of sunshine. INT. COLLEGE ATRIUM - DAY Buffy and Tara emerge from a classroom and walk together. Other students also come out of the room and make their way through the hall.
New semester. New classes. Whole new vistas of knowledge to be confused and intimidated by.
I think this one seems kind of fun. Greek art is going to touch on so many things, mythology and history and philosophy...
The professor spit too much when he talked. It was like being at Sea World. "The first five rows will get wet."
That was just, you know, enthusiasm.
It seemed very much like saliva.
We'll sit farther back next time.
Good plan. Because I need to keep this course. The only other thing that fits my schedule is Central American Geo-Politics and no thanks. I even hear the word "jungle" and all I can think of is him. Like, is that the one Riley's in. I don't need a daily two o'clock knife in the heart.
Oh. I'm sorry. Is it that bad?
Sort of. But I'm okay if I don't think about it too much. And I think I'm starting to get more perspective on it. Like maybe he's doing what he's supposed to be doing. I'm starting to think, maybe he had to go where they needed him. Maybe it's all better in the long run.
Willow says things always happen for a reason.
Yeah, but you ever notice, people only say that about bad things. Someone says that to you... something very bad just happened. (then) But not for me the furrowed brow. How about we go collect Willow and maybe indulge in a little after- school hamburger or something?
I guess we could. She might still be at the magic shop. I was there earlier and she and Anya got in this kind of little squabble. Xander and I sort of cleared out. He was pretty upset. Buffy stops, concerned.
Anya and Xander are in trouble?
Oh! No. I said that all wrong... it was nothing. Willow and Anya were sort of fighting and Xander kind of snapped at both of them and he left.
He left? He left Anya?
Um… no. Not left her, left her. He just left. It was only a little thing. Really. Buffy gets more and more worked up during the following speech:
A little thing. See, thing is, a little thing gets bigger. You don't catch the little thing and then boom, you've got this whole huge thing. Buffy bursts into tears. Big honking crazy Lucille Ball tears, just letting go.
Nooo!
Oh dear. Buffy cries harder. Starts hiccupping too.
Not them! With the... the... little thing! They can't... can't break up!
I think...
(almost wailing) They have a... a... beautiful love!
I think they'll be fine... Buffy grabs Tara, cries on her shoulder, gasping wetly. Other students stare. Tara pats Buffy's back awkwardly.
Mmrccllvv.
What? Buffy raises her head, surreptitiously wiping her nose on Tara's shirt as she does so.
A miraculous lo-- lo-- love! EXT. GILES' CAR - DAY Anya drives Giles' car, hunched over the wheel, frowning with concentration. Willow is in the passenger seat, looking through some big books and some sheets of parchment -- her lap is full of research material. The pages flutter and whip in the wind.
There! That parked car. We're still on his trail.
I don't even get how we made that guy anyway, because wow, advanced.
No one "made" him. He must have been trapped in that crystal and you released him.
I released him? This was definitely a "we" thing. Or a "you" thing. It feels like a "you" thing.
Just find the reversal Spell. Hurry! Look what he did to that lamppost!
I'm trying! Put the top up. The pages are all blowy.
I don't know how to put the top up. I only just figured out what the left pedal does. (proudly) It makes us stop.
You don't know how to drive?! Why didn't you say you don't know how to drive? "I don't know how to drive," you might have said.
Well, I couldn't know if I could until I tried, could I? WILLOW This is very very bad! There's an ogre on the loose and--
Troll.
What?
Troll on the loose. Hang on, I'm going to press the right pedal harder. I expect us to accelerate.
There's a troll on the loose and you're going to crash Giles' car!
It's likely. We're going very fast. (then) You should have listened to me and not done a spell. Giles left me in charge.
Giles can be an idiot. The smart kind. But still.
Xander agreed.
Right, Xander doesn't step out of line.
What do you mean by that?
Nothing. Anya spots a second smashed car.
Find that spell. Quickly. Anya turns fast to avoid the smashed car. A PARCHMENT FLIES OUT OF WILLOW'S HAND AND OUT OF THE CAR.
Noooo! (then, softly) That's gone. INT. BRONZE - DAY Xander enters, grabs a bowl of peanuts off the bar and heads, head down, across the club. He bumps into someone on the way.
Hey, watch it! Xander reacts to the voice. Looks up. The guy is Spike.
Oh, it's you.
Spike. Don't let me stop you from not being here. Xander steps around Spike, heads to a table. He sits down.
I was here first, you know.
Uh-huh. Go away.
Now why would I do that when it's bugging you so much having me here? Xander ignores Spike. Spike watches Xander eat nuts.
They've got chicken wings too. Also a sort of a flower-shaped thing they make from an onion. Brilliant.
Are you talking to me hoping I'll get so depressed I'll impale myself on a fork right in front of you?
Lovely thought. If I don't hurt you myself, the chip wouldn't zap me. I could eat you that way, beat the onion-thing all to hell. Spike takes some peanuts.
Hey! Those are mine! Spike slides onto the stool opposite him.
My, my, someone's in a temper. This all sympathetic misery borrowed from the Slayer?
What? No. Nothing to do with Buffy.
So she's fine then. Not... holding grudges.
What are you talking about? What does Buffy have to do with anything? What grudges?
Huh. Yeah. Okay, Don't need to talk about her. I'm sure she's merrily slaying some pals of mine, having a grand old time. And we prelap:
This is very bad. INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY - LATE AFTERNOON Buffy is searching the damaged magic shop. She looks tear-stained, as if she might cry again at any moment. The door is open behind her. She leans over the counter where the remains of the spell lie scattered...
Willow! Anya? Buffy is blowing her nose violently as Tara enters from the training room.
They're not back there either. They're gone. (panicky) Buffy, something's been here and Willow's gone. Buffy pulls herself together, the strong Slayer again in the face of Tara's fear.
Don't worry. We'll get her back. I promise. (then) C'mon, this thing's probably leaving a huge trail. Buffy and Tara run for the door. EXT. STREET - NIGHT Olaf is rampaging down the street. He SMASHES A DUMPSTER with his magic hammer. It flies across the street.
HA HA! PUNY RECEPTACLE! He continues down the sidewalk, smashing a mail box along the way. A few FRIGHTENED PEOPLE run away. Olaf looks after them.
YOU DO WELL TO FLEE, TOWNSPEOPLE! I WILL PILLAGE YOUR LANDS AND DWELLINGS. I WILL BURN YOUR CROPS, AND MAKE MERRY SPORT WITH YOUR MORE ATTRACTIVE DAUGHTERS, MARK MY WORDS-- (smelling something) OOH! ALE! I SMELL DELICIOUS ALE! He rampages off again. INT. BRONZE - NIGHT Night has fallen and Spike and Xander talk and play pool.
They get in these fights and then they're both looking to me, like I'm the referee. Also, sometimes I'll say something about Anya, and Willow will get this look. This "what the hell do you see in her" look.
I know that look. Lot of people never really got Dru, you know?
Well, she was insane. And then it's like, I get all torn, because Willow's my best friend, and I really value her opinion. But Anya's my girlfriend, you know?
What's the Slayer think of all this friction in the ranks? Can't be good for morale.
I don't know.
She's a little pre-occupied, maybe. It's understandable. What with all the upset, all the blaming of innocent bystanders that got caught up in the mess.
What? Spike is getting angry, taking it out on Xander without even thinking, closing in threateningly...
I mean, did she want to be made a fool of?! And what does someone have to do to make it right? -- Someone jostles Spike's elbow.
Hey! Watch it, mate! Spike turns and finds himself face-to-chest with Olaf.
Second thought, do what you like.
(happily) ALE! Olaf strides to the bar. An employee with a hand-truck is delivering kegs to the bar.
YES! FRAGRANT ALE! I HAVE BEEN TRAPPED FOR MANY CENTURIES AND ALONG WITH MY TASTE OF FREEDOM I WOULD APPRECIATE THE TASTE OF A FINE GRAIN- BASED BEVERAGE! Olaf tucks his hammer into its holster and picks up a (full-sized) keg with one hand. He bites through the metal and drinks heartily. Customers move away from the bar, but the whole place does not clear out. Spike and Xander watch the obviously supernatural troll.
So, um… think I should run get Buffy? Spike shrugs. Olaf throws the empty keg to the ground.
BARMAID! FETCH ME STRONGER ALE! AND SOME PLUMP SUCCULENT BABIES TO EAT!
I'm gonna run get Buffy. (realizing) Or you can fight him!
Yeah, I could do that but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much. Before Xander can head for the exit, Olaf happens to fix him and Spike with his trollish gaze.
YOU THERE! DO YOU KNOW WHERE THERE ARE BABIES?
(to Xander) What do you think? The hospital, maybe?
(to Spike) What? Shut up! (to Olaf) Um... listen...
I FIND MYSELF VERY HUNGRY AND WHEN I AM HUNGRY I GET SHORT OF PATIENCE!
(soothingly) Hey, we can take care of hungry. How 'bout you just sit down, on one of the sturdier chairs, and we can talk calmly and have some food.
CAN IT BE BABIES?
Well, not so much. But maybe... roast pigs and... stags... and much hearty grog!
They have this onion thing--
YOU CANNOT APPEASE ME! DO NOT TRY! Olaf turns back to the bar.
MORE ALE! He picks up another keg. Spike and Xander back away from the distracted Olaf and run into Willow and Anya, who have just entered. Willow carries a book.
Xander! You shouldn't be here! There's a troll!
Big guy? Hammer? Think I noticed him.
I wish Buffy was here. Buffy and Tara enter and join them. (Buffy doesn't hear Willow's preceding line.)
I'm here.
I wish for a million dollars. (off Xander's look) Just checking. Tara goes immediately to Willow, hugs her.
(to Willow) I'm so glad you're okay.
What's going on? Where'd he come from? Spike hasn't been able to take his eyes off Buffy since she came in. He steps toward her tentatively.
Hello, Buffy. Buffy shoots him an evil look. He steps back, rejected.
Willow stole ingredients and released him from a purple crystal. He's a troll.
(to Willow) You did this?
Not me! We! I mean us. Her! It's very complex.
But we can stop him. Willow, do the spell. Olaf lowers his second keg. He bothers to notice the group. Turns and stares at Anya. He grabs his hammer. Willow opens the book, steps forward.
(reads) Let the conjuring be-- Olaf raises his hammer.
(bellows even louder) STOP! Startled, Willow stops.
No one lets me finish. Olaf looks to Anya.
YOU TOLD THE WITCH TO DO THAT. YOU SEEM TO BE DETERMINED TO PUT AN END TO ALL MY FUN, JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DID WHEN WE WERE DATING! Silence. Everyone looks at Anya. Especially Xander. Anya considers her position.
Hum.
You dated him?
You dated a troll?
And we're what? Surprised by this?
He wasn't a troll then. He was just a big dumb guy. He cheated on me and I made him into a troll. Which, by the way, is how I got the job as a vengeance demon-- She is interrupted by Olaf, who smashes the bar with his hammer. Debris flies. Everyone jumps.
We're forgetting about the troll. Let's pay attention to the troll.
I DID NOT CHEAT! NOT IN MY HEART. (to Buffy) IT WAS ONLY ONE WENCH AND I HAD HAD A GREAT DEAL OF MEAD-- NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M A TROLL! CURSE YOU, ANYANKA! YOU WILL DIE FOR THIS!
But, but, you seem to enjoy the... being a troll...
I ADJUSTED. AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED? WITCHES! DISGUSTING WITCHES! THEY TRAPPED ME! I WAS IMPRISONED IN THAT CRYSTAL FOR CENTURIES! A CURSE ON ALL WITCHES! ALL MUST DIE! Angry, he's swinging the hammer now, staring at Willow.
Willow! Again!
(reads) Let the conjuring be undone, return the beast to native form--
WITCH! YOU MUST STOP! He steps toward Willow, but she's fast:
(reads very quickly) And keep him far from us and ours as long as my voice shall sound. OLAF ROARS IN DEFEAT. Then he realizes something. He stops.
HA! IT DID NOT WORK!
Okay, wait... (skimming) Let the conjuring... that's right-- Infuriated, Olaf charges at the vulnerable Willow. Buffy throws herself at him.
The hammer! Watch out! Spike realizes that Buffy is heading in for the fight. He leaps to join in, but never makes it... Buffy LANDS SEVERAL GOOD BLOWS BEFORE OLAF SWIPES CASUALLY AT HER WITH HIS HAMMER AND SENDS HER FLYING... far enough so we can tell how powerful the hammer is. She lands on top of Spike.
The hammer is his power. Spike and Buffy untangle themselves and stand up. Spike manages a few inappropriate feels as they do so. Olaf ROARS and smites the pillars supporting the loft-level of the Bronze with his hammer. Xander, Anya, Willow, Spike and Tara run for safety, but Buffy runs at Olaf, trying to stop him. Too late! The LOFT-LEVEL OF THE BRONZE COLLAPSES onto the people below. Buffy is thrown to the ground, pinned under the wreckage. BLACK OUT.
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| Act Three |
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INT. BRONZE - NIGHT Through the kicked-up dust, we glimpse the chaos of metal, trapped and injured people. There are some people trapped underneath the loft, and others, also injured, who were on the loft itself. Buffy pushes up the debris that covers her, an impressive bench-press display of Slayer-strength and quickly frees herself. The others, Spike, Xander, Willow, Anya and Tara crowd around her.
Where is he?
Gone. Buffy and Tara are already lifting more of the debris, trying to get at the pinned victims. Willow, Anya, Xander start to help too, but Buffy has a plan:
Xander, follow him. Willow and Anya, head back to the store, try to come up with a spell that'll actually stop him. Xander, Willow and Anya head off, leaving Buffy and Tara struggling alone. Spike steps in to help, lifting alongside Buffy. Buffy suddenly notices who is working beside her. She opens her mouth to send him away.
I got someone here. Help me get 'er out. Buffy hesitates, then reaches in, helps Spike free a girl. INT. MAGIC BOX - NIGHT Willow and Anya enter, running in past the debris left by Olaf.
--forget spells to put him back into the crystal. 'Cuz that didn't go too good. We need another way- Willow steps over some debris, really noticing it for the first time.
This is a terrible mess. ANOTHER ANGLE Reveals that Giles is standing right behind them, holding a broken statuette -- body and head.
Maybe later we can hide some of the broken stuff- Willow senses Giles and stops talking. The girls turn around to face him. Willow gives a little wave.
You got the earlier flight! Yay. Giles smiles, kind of a creepy, manic, "I'm not going to let this bother me smile."
There was only one undamaged statue of the Goddess Lithra in the world. This was it!
And you've got the wrong head there. That's a head from a dog statue. Giles looks at what he's holding.
So it is! Funny!
Um... Giles? Could you maybe make an angry face? 'Cuz the smile is kind of scaring me.
(still smiling) The damage. Was it a demon?
Troll. Willow released him during some thievery.
Anya's fault. He collapsed the loft at the Bronze. Buffy's there helping people. We're going to find magicks to stop him.
A troll. Fine. I'm going to… going to… do something!
You can yell at us or go help Buffy rescue the innocent. Giles hesitates.
I understand it's difficult.
I will rescue the innocent! Anya holds out his car keys.
The keys of your car.
You drove my car? How marvelous! How perfect!
We didn't crash it.
Not at all. And the troll didn't hit it with his enormous godly hammer or anything.
Fabulous! Giles takes the car keys and exits, still carrying the broken statuette.
Oh, he's snapped. INT. BRONZE - NIGHT There is another section of the loft in danger of collapse. Buffy is on the dangling section of loft, leaning over the edge. She lowers an injured girl over the edge to Tara. A few paramedics work in the b.g.
Got her! Tara leads the girl away. Buffy flips herself gymnastically to the ground off the edge of the loft. Spike is there, tending an injured woman.
What are you doing?
Making this woman more comfortable. I'm not sampling, I'll have you note. I mean, look at all these lovely blood-covered people, I could... but not a taste for Spike. Not a lick. Knew you wouldn't like it.
You want credit for not feeding off bleeding disaster victims?
Well... yeah.
You're disgusting. She moves away. Spike looks after her disbelievingly.
(to himself) What does it take? INT. MAGIC BOX - NIGHT Willow is pulling books off the shelf and loading them onto the table. Anya is gathering armloads of magical ingredients and lining them up on the counter.
Hurry up! (re: books) I'm taking everything with relocation spells, suspension spells... and, what the heck, spells to make him really sleepy, because, slightly better.
In case we need 'em, I'm getting more of all the things you stole.
I didn't-- Why do you do that?
What?
You're so rude! I mean, sure, at first, ex-demon, doesn't know the rules. Well, now you've been here forever. Learn the rules!
The rules are stupid.
Great. Whatever. Just thought you might be interested in acting more like a human. Some of us enjoy it. They're both flipping through the books now.
Oh, look for spells about dimensional portals, too.
I am a human. And there are many humans who are stranger than me.
Uh-huh. But, unless I'm really wrong about Crazy Larry down at the bus stop, he probably isn't going to turn Xander into a troll.
Well, it's a complicated proced- Oh! You think I'm going to hurt Xander? I'd never hurt Xander! Willow shrugs.
(realizing) You really think I would do that!
Anya, it's what you do. You spent, what, a thousand years, hurting men. You got your thousand years of hurting men gold watch.
I was a demon then. I don't even have any powers now! (re: book) Is this the spell?
Only if we want him to double in size and grow extra arms, which, let's not. And by the way, you weren't a demon when you turned Olaf into lord of the hammers and you managed that. Also, there's other ways to hurt Xander.
I don't do magic now. You're the one with that kind of power. In fact, D'Hoffryn offered you my old job! You're closer to being a vengeance demon that I am! Maybe Xander should be afraid of you!
Xander's my best friend!
And you don't want anyone else to have him. I know what broke up him and Cordelia, you know. It was you! And your lips.
No, it was not! Well, yes it was so! But that was a long time ago! You think I'd do that again?
Why not?
Hello, gay now!
But you're always doing everything you can to point out how much I'm an outsider. You've known him since you were squalling infants together. You'll always know him better than I do. You could sweep in, poison his mind against me--
You're insane! I'm not going to take him away! And I'm not going to hurt him!
Well, I'm not either! At the height of their anger, they look at each other, realizing they each mean what they just said. This may be the beginning of a beautiful uneasy truce when... OLAF SMASHES IN! He crashes through the front door with his hammer. He towers over them, waving his hammer.
A-HA! I KNEW IT! YOU TWO! PERFORMING MORE SPELLS! I COULD BE PILLAGING! DEVOURING BABIES! MAKING MERRY WITH THE LOCAL VIRGINS! BUT INSTEAD I HAVE TO COME ALL THE WAY BACK HERE TO KILL YOU!
Anya! Run! But he sweeps the girls up. They scream. He THROWS BOTH GIRLS OVER THE COUNTER... They land there, hurt and semi-conscious and trapped! Olaf steps closer to them, honing in to finish them off... reaching over the counter. Xander bursts in!
No! Get away from them! Olaf straightens up and looks at Xander. He LAUGHS.
I WILL GET AWAY FROM THEM AFTER I KILL THEM!
(dangerously) You are not touching these women! Xander charges Olaf, tackling him. Olaf is unmoved. A flick of his hammer slams Xander against the wall. Xander, on the floor, hangs on to consciousness, just barely. He pulls himself up and charges Olaf again.
AH. YOU WISH FOR MORE! ADMIRABLE! Olaf knocks Xander across the room again. And again. Xander is incredibly over-matched, keeps getting thrown up against the walls over and over, but heroically, he keeps coming back! Xander is bruised and battered looking by the time Olaf finally laughs jovially!
HA HA! YOU FIGHT WELL, ALTHOUGH YOU ARE A TINY MAN! Olaf claps an arm 'round Xander's shoulder.
I SHALL REWARD YOU! ONLY ONE OF YOUR WOMEN SHALL DIE! AND YOU SHALL BE THE ONE TO CHOOSE! BLACK OUT.
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| Act Four |
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INT. MAGIC BOX - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT Anya and Willow are regaining consciousness and struggling to their feet.
Did he say...
CHOOSE! ANYANKA OR THE WITCH! ONE OF YOUR WOMEN MUST DIE! Xander looks at Willow and Anya. They look back at him. There is a beat where it looks like he will have to choose.
No! You are one crazy troll! I'm not choosing between my girlfriend and my best friend! That's insane troll-logic!
Go Xander! I love you! Olaf laughs jovially.
HA HA! GOOD FOR YOU! YOU ARE A LOYAL MAN! Olaf takes Xander's arm and cheerfully snaps Xander's wrist. Xander gasps in pain. Willow and Anya blanch.
Xander!
NOW CHOOSE!
Olaf! No!
(through his pain) I won't choose!
THEN YOU SHALL BE THE ONE TO DIE! Olaf moves in close to Xander, his hammer raised for the killing blow.
Choose me! Choose me to die! Just don't take him! Olaf and Xander both pause and look to Anya.
Don't take Xander! Willow grabs a vial off the counter, dumps powder into her hand. She throws it.
(in Latin) Let the monster disappear. The CASH REGISTER DISAPPEARS again as before.
Damn! Buffy bursts in, Giles and Tara right behind her. Olaf turns to face Buffy as Xander collapses against a wall, cradling his broken wrist.
Buffy!
Tara, stay back! Buffy charges at Olaf.
Buffy! The hammer! The strength is in the hammer! Buffy fights, dodging the hammer, barely escaping. Anya and Willow share a look.
The hammer... Willow grabs a book.
How can I help?
Distract him from Buffy. Piss him off.
I don't know how!
Anya, listen. I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off. Willow draws runes on the counter.
Hey! Olaf! You are as inadequate a troll as you were a boyfriend! Olaf twitches a little, but keeps fighting.
You are hairy and unattractive and even women trolls are put off by your various odors!
(softly, in Latin) Tool of vengeance, weapon mythic, arise, arise, defy the earth... The hammer starts to quiver and glow in Olaf's grasp. He doesn't notice, being now all focused on Anya.
Your menacing stance is merely mildly alarming and your roar is less than full-throated!
DESIST! MY GOD, WOMAN, IT'S BEEN A THOUSAND YEARS AND YOU ARE YET AS AGGRAVATING AND EMASCULATING AS EVER YOU WERE! He swings the now-glowing hammer at Anya. She ducks it and Willow keeps reading.
(in Latin) Fly with force, deny thy master. Fly! The hammer glows brighter and FLINGS ITSELF out of Olaf's grasp. It hits the wall, then the floor, the glow dying out.
Hey! Good job!
You too. Very irritating. Buffy faces the now-hammerless Olaf!
(triumphantly) So. Your power's in your hammer. Buffy charges him. He hits her bare-handed and she is thrown against the wall. She throws a quick look at Anya.
Oh yeah. He still has all that troll-strength.
YOU WILL ALL DIE! I WILL DISPENSE NO MERCY NOW! Buffy gets up, charges Olaf, drives him back, but not much. He swipes at her, and she grabs his arm, twists it back, having to use her whole body to grip it. He shakes free of her.
WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR, MINISCULE BLONDE ONE? YOUR FRIENDS? THESE TWO? He indicates Anya and Xander.
THEY WILL NEVER LAST. ANYANKA IS VERY DIFFICULT TO LIVE WITH, AND HE, HE IS LUDICROUS AND FAR TOO BREAKABLE. THEIR LOVE WILL NEVER LAST. Buffy looks up at him. Her eyes well with tears, her chin trembles. She uses her fear and concern to… kick Olaf against the wall, hard. He looks at her in surprise. She charges at him and he flinches. Xander, cradling his wrist, joins Willow and Anya at the counter.
(to Xander and Anya) She's got him now. Anya looks at Xander's wrist.
(to Xander) Poor baby. Buffy definitely has the upper hand now. Olaf sails though frame in front of the trio. Buffy runs through after him. Willow, Xander and Anya watch the now off-screen fight, their heads following the clearly-violent action.
You really dated him?
Yes.
But you like me better.
Yes. Willow likes you too, but not in a sexy way 'cuz she's gay, and she won't break us up so it's all okay. From off-screen:
UNHAND ME! THAT HURTS A GREAT DEAL! INT. MAGIC BOX - LATER - NIGHT Buffy stands over the unconscious Olaf. She holds his hammer. He smiles in his sleep, jovial as ever. Willow is in the middle of a spell. Anya, Xander, Tara and Giles look on. Xander has fashioned a makeshift wrap for his wrist.
...and let the transposition be complete. There's a magical poof of some kind, and Olaf is gone.
Where did you send him?
The Land of the Trolls. He'll like it there. Full of trolls.
It's hard to be precise, though. Alternate universes don't stay put. Sending him to a specific place is like, like trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image and you should all just forget it.
It's possible that he's in the Land of Perpetual Wednesday or Crazy Melty Land or the World Without Shrimp.
There's a world without shrimp? (to Willow) I'm allergic.
He's prob'ly in Troll-land.
I only care that he's not here and I got a nifty new souvenir. Buffy casually sets the hammer on a glass-topped case. It smashes through.
Oops. Willow and Anya back away from it.
Not our fault.
Well, yes. I suppose it's minor, given the other... (looking around) Devastation. I'm still not certain how he came to be smashing up my shop.
An accident.
Not our fault. Giles gives Anya and Willow a skeptical look.
There, see how nice things worked out? And look at you guys... (looking at Xander and Anya) So good and alive and together. She starts to cry.
(looking at Willow and Tara) So together... and good... and alive... Everyone looks uncomfortable as Buffy cries harder.
I'm just so... happy for you! Giles looks around, notices something. He gets that weird smile again.
Where's the cash register? INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - DINING ROOM/STAIRS - NIGHT (NIGHT 4) Buffy and Giles sit at the dining room table.
I cringe to think what the place might have been like if I'd stayed away longer than three days.
Maybe we would have had time to clean it all up. You know, if Willow used some magicks to help.
Yes, because nothing could possibly go wrong with that. Joyce enters from the kitchen, carrying a tray of coffee cups. She's still wearing the scarf. As she sits and they all serve themselves:
Rupert, I still don't understand why those other watchers made you go all the way to England if they don't know anything.
Well, they don't know it yet. They had no record of Glory or anyone like her, but based on what I've told them, they are going to look into it. They might have something soon.
What about the key? Were they all over the key?
Yes-- (to Joyce) You know all of this?
I got some of it myself. Buffy told me the rest. Out of sight of Buffy, Joyce and Giles, Dawn starts down the stairs toward them. She stops and listens. INTERCUT between the scene and Dawn's reaction to it.
Well, they were interested, certainly. And full of theories. Most of them nonsensical.
But they didn't guess about Dawn. They don't know it's her.
No.
I still can't even start to grasp this. She's my little girl.
It is disorienting.
Giles, what happens if they figure it out? What would they do? What would happen?
I don't know. The three of them sit there for a moment, thinking about that. Then...
Well, I can't think about this any more. It's too-- (then, re: cups) I'll get these. Joyce picks up the coffee cups, heads into the kitchen. Meeting over. DAWN, on the stairs, stands frozen, trying to absorb what she heard. BLACK OUT.
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