Triangle
[S5.11 : W/T.19]

Written by Jane Espenson 

Different Colored Pens

Willow does a spell, which goes badly, again <laugh>. We see a bit more of the Tara/Buffy friendship, Willow declares her gayness and lots of other Willowy goodness.

INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY

Giles stands in front of Buffy, Anya, Xander, WILLOW and TARA at the table.

ANYA
You're going away for a week?
That's great!

GILES
Yes, yes. Everyone seems quite
delighted about it.

ANYA
Well, I get to run the store, right?

GILES
You... There's quite a lot for
one person to do...
(consults a list)
The trashmen, for example. They've
been making such a mess in the alley
that the recycling people can't get
in there to collect. Someone has to
talk to them. Also, there's some
health inspector who has decided that
potions are technically "food," and
that we need a full inspection.

ANYA
I can take care of that.

XANDER
Food? Who's sitting around saying,
hey, I could go for some tasty potion.

TARA
I'm envious, Giles. A trip to
England sounds so exciting and exotic.
(realizing)
Unless you're English.

BUFFY
Don't worry about the shop. We can
all help. Open up the shop and close
it, deal with everyone...

WILLOW
We can come by between classes.
Usually I use that time to copy over
my class notes with a system of
different colored pens, but it's been
pointed out to me that that's, you
know, insane.

TARA
I said "quirky".

ANYA
Hello? I work here. I'll take care
of everything.

XANDER
Yeah, Anya can do it.

ANYA
Thank you, Sweetie. Well said.

GILES
Anya, I trust you completely with the
inventory and the money. But dealing
with people, a certain finesse may be
required...

ANYA
I have finesse! I have finesse
coming out of my bottom! I can
completely lie to a health inspector.
I can also distract him with coy
smiles and bribe him with money
and objects!

XANDER
There, see? She'll be great.

WILLOW
Giles, don't worry. I'll help her
take care of everything. It'll be
ship-shape. Better. It'll be shop-shape!

ANYA
Hey! Xander, she's talking to Giles
like I'm not here! Make her stop!

GILES
Perhaps I should call the airline…

WILLOW
I'm just trying to help out! Xander,
tell her!

GILES
...schedule an earlier flight back.
Excuse me.

Giles crosses away.

ANYA
(to Xander)
Well tell her I don't need her help!

Anya and Willow are both looking at Xander. He looks very uncomfortable.

XANDER
(to Buffy)
Hey, how goes the slaying?

BUFFY
I killed something in a convent
last night.

XANDER
In any other room, a frightening
declaration. Here, a welcome
distraction. Tell us all about the
killing, Buff.

BUFFY
Pretty standard. Vampire staking.
But I met a nun and she let me try
on her wimple.

XANDER
Okay, now we're back to frightening.

Anya, Willow and Tara are alone in the shop. Anya is busy at the counter. Tara is pulling vials of powder off shelves over her head, at Willow's direction as she consults a list.

WILLOW
Good. And... and the hellebore.
It's up and to the right.

TARA
Hellebore. One of my favorites.

Tara reaches for it, pulls it off the shelf. Adds it to a collection of vials piled on a table.

WILLOW
Powerful stuff. I tried to use it to
de-rat Amy and it didn't work but I
think it might've made her really
smart because she's giving me these
looks like she's planning something.
Rubbing her little paws together--

Anya has noticed them now, and hurries over.

ANYA
Hey! What are you two doing?

WILLOW
Oh, we're going to try out a few spells.

TARA
There's this thing you can do, where
you create light, and we were
thinking, what if you could make,
like, simulated sunlight...

WILLOW
So then, you know, there Buffy is,
middle of the night, and she finds
this whole nest of vamps, and she
just goes... Presto--

TARA
Only it wouldn't be "presto" exactly...

WILLOW
And zhoomp... there's this little
ball of sunlight floating there.
Vamps get dusty.

TARA
You don't want to look right at it,
of course ...

ANYA
That sounds swell, but you can't use
this stuff. Giles has only been gone
two days and you're already causing
trouble. You shouldn't do things
while he's gone.

WILLOW
"He should not be here while your
mother is out."

Tara smiles at this.

ANYA
What? What's that, what are you doing?

TARA
The Cat in the Hat. The book. This
cat does all this mischief when these
children's mother is away...

WILLOW
It's so cute. He balances a bunch of
stuff, including this fish in a bowl.
But don't try it for real when you're
six, because then no more fish for
five years.

ANYA
You're quoting literature I have no
way to be familiar with. You're
trying to make me feel left out.
And you're stealing!

WILLOW
I'm just taking stuff and not paying
for it. In what twisted dictionary
is that stealing?

TARA
Willow, maybe we should just pay--

WILLOW
Anya, Giles would totally be fine with this.
(to Anya)
Come on. It'll be fun. We'll show
you how to do some stuff. You could
be floating pencils by the end of the day.

Anya hesitates...

ANYA
Sometimes I miss having powers--
(catching herself)
Oh! Oh! I know what this is. This
is peer pressure! Any second now
you're going to make me smoke tobacco
and have drugs!

WILLOW
Look how easy...

Willow raises her hand and a STICK OF INCENSE FLOATS OFF THE TABLE.

ANYA
Hey! That's our incense!
Don't float the merchandise!

Anya grabs the incense. Then THE VIAL OF HELLEBORE RISES OFF THE TABLE. Anya grabs that too. Anya looks around... ABOVE THE COUNTER, THREE MORE THINGS ARE FLOATING. Willow smiles.

ANYA
Stop that!

Xander enters.

XANDER
Hey! Look at this! My two favorite girls!
(noticing Tara)
Three! Three favorite girls.

ANYA
Xander! Willow is quoting and
floating and, and stealing! She's a
burglar!

Willow lets THE OBJECTS SETTLE.

WILLOW
A burglar?! Right. One of those
cunning broad-daylight in-front-of-
everyone burglars! Xander, I'm just
doing a spell to help Buffy.

ANYA
Xander, Giles left me in charge.
Tell her that.

Xander tries to joke his way out of it:

XANDER
Hey, hey... Judge Xander requesting
a recess here.

TARA
You really shouldn't pull him into this...

XANDER
Yes! See! Tara's with me. Protect
me, Tara!

Jokingly, he pulls Tara in front of him as a shield.

XANDER
(joking)
Bet you're sorry you said anything,
huh, Tara?

Tara nods, meaning it.

Willow starts scattering powder around the counter...

WILLOW
See, Xander, what I'm doing, it's a
good thing. And if it doesn't work,
then Giles never even has to know -
Oops!

Willow jumps back from a BURST OF RED SMOKE. THE CASH REGISTER IS GONE.

ANYA
The cash register! What did you do
with the cash register?! Dear God!

WILLOW
I'll fix it! I'll fix it!

She waves her hand, says:

WILLOW
Recursat!

The CASH REGISTER REAPPEARS, SMOKE STILL CURLING AROUND IT. ITS TOP IS OPEN, RIBBON TORN AND EXPOSED, CASH DRAWER HANGING OPEN -- it's been through a horrible experience.

WILLOW
Look. All back.
(lying)
Good as new.

Anya checks the cash drawer. She's so appalled, she's almost speechless.

ANYA
Money. Did you hurt the money?
Money okay?

Both women turn to Xander.

ANYA
(to Willow)
You endangered the money!

WILLOW
Right, of course that's what she
cares about.
(imitating Anya)
I like money better than people.
People can so rarely be exchanged for
goods and/or services.

ANYA
Xander! She's pretending to talk
like me!

WILLOW
(to Xander)
Well, can you even believe how she's
acting?

XANDER
Okay, you know what? I'm tired of
being the one in the middle. I'm not
going to let you pull me into this.

WILLOW
I'm not--

XANDER
Whatever the issue is between you
two, just figure it out without me.

Xander walks out angrily.

ANYA
Xander! Don't go!

Xander exits, slamming the door.

WILLOW
(to Anya)
You made him mad.

ANYA
Me?!

Tara starts backing up gingerly, heading for the door.

WILLOW
Tara? Who do you think he was more
mad at?

TARA
Um, you know? I think maybe, maybe
you two have some things to work out.
You know, just really talk.

Tara exits. Anya and Willow are left alone.

INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY - LATER

A long beat of silence. They're not talking. Not working anything out. But they have reached an uncomfortable compromise. Anya watches grumpily as Willow works on spells at the counter. Anya carefully writes down everything Willow uses and how much it costs. Willow adds things to an ornate bowl.

WILLOW
Fleabane.

ANYA
Fifteen cents.

WILLOW
Salamander eyes.

ANYA
Ten bucks for twelve. Bargain.

WILLOW
Bindweed.

ANYA
Oh, that's a pricey one--

WILLOW
Would you stop that?! It's very
distracting. And ten for a dozen is
outrageous for those eyes. They
weren't even worth that much to the
salamanders!

ANYA
Fine. Make your little ball of
sunshine. I'll be quiet.

WILLOW
Good, because this spell is very
sensitive. Once I begin, any
non-ritual word can disrupt it.

ANYA
Fine.

WILLOW
Okay. Here we go.

Long beat. Willow draws a breath...

ANYA
Did you start yet?

WILLOW
No. Shh. This is it. Spirits of
the light, I invoke thee. Let the
gloom of darkness part before you,
let the moonlight be made pale by
your presence. Spirits--

A (CGI) green circle of light appears and hovers over the bowl like a halo.

ANYA
Is it done?

Willow turns to stare at Anya, and she doesn't see that the circle of light is wobbling now, and turned white.

WILLOW
Shh. Spirits of light, grant my
wishes--

ANYA
Sorry. Thought it was done.

WILLOW
Are you trying to screw this up?

The circle grows spiky now, like a staticky noise mapped on an oscilloscope. It glows pale red.

ANYA
No, no. I'm sure you can do that all
on your own.

The spiky circle is deep red now and it grows larger...

WILLOW
Hey, Anya. Whatever really has you
mad, just say it like you do every
other thought that stomps through
your brain.

ANYA
I believe I have said it.

WILLOW
No, you haven't. Come on...

The circle now has grown beyond the margins of the bowl. One of its edges is now protruding over A FRAGMENT OF TWISTED PURPLE CRYSTAL that was sitting decoratively on the counter.

WILLOW
Let it out!

Light ARCS ELECTRICALLY between the circle and the crystal.

There is a BLINDING FLASH and a SHATTERING NOISE.

Anya and Willow jump back away from the counter. The crystal lies there in fragments. And in front of the counter stands...

OLAF, an enormous hairy Viking-type troll, brandishing a huge hammer. A leather hammer-holster is hung around his waist -- he'll use it when he needs to use both hands.

He turns to the girls...

OLAF
ARRRRRR!

Where we left off. Olaf ROARS and looks around him. He spots the door and lumbers toward it, smashing things with his stone hammer as he goes. Tables and shelves splinter.

Willow and Anya look at each other, alarmed.

WILLOW
He's not a ball of sunshine.

INT. COLLEGE ATRIUM - DAY

Buffy and Tara emerge from a classroom and walk together. Other students also come out of the room and make their way through the hall.

BUFFY
New semester. New classes. Whole
new vistas of knowledge to be
confused and intimidated by.

TARA
I think this one seems kind of fun.
Greek art is going to touch on so
many things, mythology and history
and philosophy...

BUFFY
The professor spit too much when he
talked. It was like being at Sea World.
"The first five rows will get wet."

TARA
That was just, you know, enthusiasm.

BUFFY
It seemed very much like saliva.

TARA
We'll sit farther back next time.

BUFFY
Good plan. Because I need to keep
this course. The only other thing
that fits my schedule is Central
American Geo-Politics and no thanks.
I even hear the word "jungle" and all
I can think of is him. Like, is that
the one Riley's in. I don't need a
daily two o'clock knife in the heart.

TARA
Oh. I'm sorry. Is it that bad?

BUFFY
Sort of. But I'm okay if I don't
think about it too much. And I think
I'm starting to get more perspective
on it. Like maybe he's doing what
he's supposed to be doing. I'm
starting to think, maybe he had to go
where they needed him. Maybe it's
all better in the long run.

TARA
Willow says things always happen for
a reason.

BUFFY
Yeah, but you ever notice, people
only say that about bad things.
Someone says that to you... something
very bad just happened.
(then)
But not for me the furrowed brow.
How about we go collect Willow and
maybe indulge in a little after-
school hamburger or something?

TARA
I guess we could. She might still be
at the magic shop. I was there
earlier and she and Anya got in this
kind of little squabble. Xander and
I sort of cleared out. He was pretty upset.

Buffy stops, concerned.

BUFFY
Anya and Xander are in trouble?

TARA
Oh! No. I said that all wrong... it
was nothing. Willow and Anya were
sort of fighting and Xander kind of
snapped at both of them and he left.

BUFFY
He left? He left Anya?

TARA
Um… no. Not left her, left her.
He just left. It was only a little
thing. Really.

Buffy gets more and more worked up during the following speech:

BUFFY
A little thing. See, thing is, a
little thing gets bigger. You don't
catch the little thing and then boom,
you've got this whole huge thing.

Buffy bursts into tears. Big honking crazy Lucille Ball tears, just letting go.

BUFFY
Nooo!

TARA
Oh dear.

Buffy cries harder. Starts hiccupping too.

BUFFY
Not them! With the... the... little
thing! They can't... can't break up!

TARA
I think...

BUFFY
(almost wailing)
They have a... a... beautiful love!

TARA
I think they'll be fine...

Buffy grabs Tara, cries on her shoulder, gasping wetly. Other students stare. Tara pats Buffy's back awkwardly.

BUFFY
Mmrccllvv.

TARA
What?

Buffy raises her head, surreptitiously wiping her nose on Tara's shirt as she does so.

BUFFY
A miraculous lo-- lo-- love!

Anya drives Giles' car, hunched over the wheel, frowning with concentration.

Willow is in the passenger seat, looking through some big books and some sheets of parchment -- her lap is full of research material. The pages flutter and whip in the wind.

ANYA
There! That parked car. We're still
on his trail.

WILLOW
I don't even get how we made that guy
anyway, because wow, advanced.

ANYA
No one "made" him. He must have been
trapped in that crystal and you
released him.

WILLOW
I released him? This was definitely
a "we" thing. Or a "you" thing. It
feels like a "you" thing.

ANYA
Just find the reversal Spell. Hurry!
Look what he did to that lamppost!

WILLOW
I'm trying! Put the top up. The
pages are all blowy.

ANYA
I don't know how to put the top up.
I only just figured out what the left
pedal does.
(proudly)
It makes us stop.

WILLOW
You don't know how to drive?! Why
didn't you say you don't know how to
drive? "I don't know how to drive,"
you might have said.

ANYA
Well, I couldn't know if I could until
I tried, could I?

WILLOW
This is very very bad!
There's an ogre on the loose and--

ANYA
Troll.

WILLOW
What?

ANYA
Troll on the loose. Hang on, I'm
going to press the right pedal
harder. I expect us to accelerate.

WILLOW
There's a troll on the loose and
you're going to crash Giles' car!

ANYA
It's likely. We're going very fast.
(then)
You should have listened to me and
not done a spell. Giles left me in charge.

WILLOW
Giles can be an idiot. The smart
kind. But still.

ANYA
Xander agreed.

WILLOW
Right, Xander doesn't step out of line.

ANYA
What do you mean by that?

WILLOW
Nothing.

Anya spots a second smashed car.

ANYA
Find that spell. Quickly.

Anya turns fast to avoid the smashed car. A PARCHMENT FLIES OUT OF WILLOW'S HAND AND OUT OF THE CAR.

WILLOW
Noooo!
(then, softly)
That's gone.

INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY - LATE AFTERNOON

Buffy is searching the damaged magic shop. She looks tear-stained, as if she might cry again at any moment.

The door is open behind her. She leans over the counter where the remains of the spell lie scattered...

BUFFY
Willow! Anya?

Buffy is blowing her nose violently as Tara enters from the training room.

TARA
They're not back there either.
They're gone.
(panicky)
Buffy, something's been here and
Willow's gone.

Buffy pulls herself together, the strong Slayer again in the face of Tara's fear.

BUFFY
Don't worry. We'll get her back.
I promise.
(then)
C'mon, this thing's probably leaving
a huge trail.

Buffy and Tara run for the door.

ANYA
Xander! You shouldn't be here!
There's a troll!

XANDER
Big guy? Hammer?
Think I noticed him.

WILLOW
I wish Buffy was here.

Buffy and Tara enter and join them. (Buffy doesn't hear Willow's preceding line.)

BUFFY
I'm here.

WILLOW
I wish for a million dollars.
(off Xander's look)
Just checking.

Tara goes immediately to Willow, hugs her.

TARA
(to Willow)
I'm so glad you're okay.

BUFFY
What's going on?
Where'd he come from?

Spike hasn't been able to take his eyes off Buffy since she came in. He steps toward her tentatively.

SPIKE
Hello, Buffy.

Buffy shoots him an evil look. He steps back, rejected.

ANYA
Willow stole ingredients and released
him from a purple crystal. He's a troll.

BUFFY
(to Willow)
You did this?

WILLOW
Not me! We! I mean us. Her!
It's very complex.

ANYA
But we can stop him. Willow,
do the spell.

Olaf lowers his second keg. He bothers to notice the group. Turns and stares at Anya. He grabs his hammer. Willow opens the book, steps forward.

WILLOW
(reads)
Let the conjuring be--

Olaf raises his hammer.

OLAF
(bellows even louder)
STOP!

Startled, Willow stops.

WILLOW
No one lets me finish.

Olaf looks to Anya.

OLAF
YOU TOLD THE WITCH TO DO THAT. YOU
SEEM TO BE DETERMINED TO PUT AN END
TO ALL MY FUN, JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS
DID WHEN WE WERE DATING!

Silence.

Everyone looks at Anya. Especially Xander. Anya considers her position.

ANYA
Hum.

XANDER
You dated him?

BUFFY
You dated a troll?

WILLOW
And we're what? Surprised by this?

ANYA
He wasn't a troll then. He was just
a big dumb guy. He cheated on me and
I made him into a troll. Which, by
the way, is how I got the job as a
vengeance demon--

She is interrupted by Olaf, who smashes the bar with his hammer. Debris flies. Everyone jumps.

TARA
We're forgetting about the troll.
Let's pay attention to the troll.

OLAF
I DID NOT CHEAT! NOT IN MY HEART.
(to Buffy)
IT WAS ONLY ONE WENCH AND I HAD HAD
A GREAT DEAL OF MEAD-- NEXT THING I
KNOW, I'M A TROLL! CURSE YOU,
ANYANKA! YOU WILL DIE FOR THIS!

XANDER
But, but, you seem to enjoy the...
being a troll...

OLAF
I ADJUSTED. AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
WITCHES! DISGUSTING WITCHES! THEY
TRAPPED ME! I WAS IMPRISONED IN THAT
CRYSTAL FOR CENTURIES! A CURSE ON
ALL WITCHES! ALL MUST DIE!

Angry, he's swinging the hammer now, staring at Willow.

BUFFY
Willow! Again!

WILLOW
(reads)
Let the conjuring be undone, return
the beast to native form--

OLAF
WITCH! YOU MUST STOP!

He steps toward Willow, but she's fast:

WILLOW
(reads very quickly)
And keep him far from us and ours as
long as my voice shall sound.

OLAF ROARS IN DEFEAT. Then he realizes something. He stops.

OLAF
HA! IT DID NOT WORK!

WILLOW
Okay, wait...
(skimming)
Let the conjuring... that's right--

Infuriated, Olaf charges at the vulnerable Willow. Buffy throws herself at him.

ANYA
The hammer! Watch out!

Spike realizes that Buffy is heading in for the fight. He leaps to join in, but never makes it...

Buffy LANDS SEVERAL GOOD BLOWS BEFORE OLAF SWIPES CASUALLY AT HER WITH HIS HAMMER AND SENDS HER FLYING... far enough so we can tell how powerful the hammer is. She lands on top of Spike.

Spike and Buffy untangle themselves and stand up. Spike manages a few inappropriate feels as they do so.

Olaf ROARS and smites the pillars supporting the loft-level of the Bronze with his hammer. Xander, Anya, Willow, Spike and Tara run for safety, but Buffy runs at Olaf, trying to stop him.

Too late! The LOFT-LEVEL OF THE BRONZE COLLAPSES onto the people below. Buffy is thrown to the ground, pinned under the wreckage.

Willow is pulling books off the shelf and loading them onto the table. Anya is gathering armloads of magical ingredients and lining them up on the counter.

WILLOW
Hurry up!
(re: books)
I'm taking everything with relocation
spells, suspension spells... and, what
the heck, spells to make him really sleepy,
because, slightly better.

ANYA
In case we need 'em, I'm getting more
of all the things you stole.

WILLOW
I didn't-- Why do you do that?

ANYA
What?

WILLOW
You're so rude! I mean, sure, at
first, ex-demon, doesn't know the
rules. Well, now you've been here
forever. Learn the rules!

ANYA
The rules are stupid.

WILLOW
Great. Whatever. Just thought you
might be interested in acting more
like a human. Some of us enjoy it.

They're both flipping through the books now.

WILLOW
Oh, look for spells about dimensional
portals, too.

ANYA
I am a human. And there are many
humans who are stranger than me.

WILLOW
Uh-huh. But, unless I'm really wrong
about Crazy Larry down at the bus
stop, he probably isn't going to turn
Xander into a troll.

ANYA
Well, it's a complicated proced-
Oh! You think I'm going to hurt
Xander? I'd never hurt Xander!

Willow shrugs.

ANYA
(realizing)
You really think I would do that!

WILLOW
Anya, it's what you do. You spent,
what, a thousand years, hurting men.
You got your thousand years of
hurting men gold watch.

ANYA
I was a demon then. I don't even
have any powers now!
(re: book)
Is this the spell?

WILLOW
Only if we want him to double in size
and grow extra arms, which, let's
not. And by the way, you weren't a
demon when you turned Olaf into lord
of the hammers and you managed that.
Also, there's other ways to hurt Xander.

ANYA
I don't do magic now. You're the one
with that kind of power. In fact,
D'Hoffryn offered you my old job!
You're closer to being a vengeance
demon that I am! Maybe Xander should
be afraid of you!

WILLOW
Xander's my best friend!

ANYA
And you don't want anyone else to
have him. I know what broke up him
and Cordelia, you know. It was you!
And your lips.

WILLOW
No, it was not! Well, yes it was so!
But that was a long time ago! You
think I'd do that again?

ANYA
Why not?

WILLOW
Hello, gay now!

ANYA
But you're always doing everything
you can to point out how much I'm an
outsider. You've known him since you
were squalling infants together.
You'll always know him better than I
do. You could sweep in, poison his
mind against me--

WILLOW
You're insane! I'm not going to take
him away! And I'm not going to hurt him!

ANYA
Well, I'm not either!

At the height of their anger, they look at each other, realizing they each mean what they just said. This may be the beginning of a beautiful uneasy truce when...

OLAF SMASHES IN! He crashes through the front door with his hammer.

He towers over them, waving his hammer.

OLAF
A-HA! I KNEW IT! YOU TWO!
PERFORMING MORE SPELLS! I COULD BE
PILLAGING! DEVOURING BABIES! MAKING
MERRY WITH THE LOCAL VIRGINS! BUT
INSTEAD I HAVE TO COME ALL THE WAY
BACK HERE TO KILL YOU!

WILLOW
Anya! Run!

But he sweeps the girls up. They scream.

He THROWS BOTH GIRLS OVER THE COUNTER...

They land there, hurt and semi-conscious and trapped! Olaf steps closer to them, honing in to finish them off... reaching over the counter.

Xander bursts in!

XANDER
No! Get away from them!

Olaf straightens up and looks at Xander. He LAUGHS.

OLAF
I WILL GET AWAY FROM THEM AFTER
I KILL THEM!

XANDER
(dangerously)
You are not touching these women!

Xander charges Olaf, tackling him. Olaf is unmoved. A flick of his hammer slams Xander against the wall.

Xander, on the floor, hangs on to consciousness, just barely. He pulls himself up and charges Olaf again.

OLAF
AH. YOU WISH FOR MORE! ADMIRABLE!

Olaf knocks Xander across the room again. And again.

Xander is incredibly over-matched, keeps getting thrown up against the walls over and over, but heroically, he keeps coming back!

Xander is bruised and battered looking by the time Olaf finally laughs jovially!

OLAF
HA HA! YOU FIGHT WELL, ALTHOUGH YOU
ARE A TINY MAN!

Olaf claps an arm 'round Xander's shoulder.

OLAF
I SHALL REWARD YOU! ONLY ONE OF YOUR
WOMEN SHALL DIE! AND YOU SHALL BE
THE ONE TO CHOOSE!

Anya and Willow are regaining consciousness and struggling to their feet.

WILLOW
Did he say...

OLAF
CHOOSE! ANYANKA OR THE WITCH! ONE
OF YOUR WOMEN MUST DIE!

Xander looks at Willow and Anya. They look back at him. There is a beat where it looks like he will have to choose.

XANDER
No! You are one crazy troll! I'm
not choosing between my girlfriend
and my best friend! That's insane
troll-logic!

ANYA
Go Xander! I love you!

Olaf laughs jovially.

OLAF
HA HA! GOOD FOR YOU! YOU ARE A
LOYAL MAN!

Olaf takes Xander's arm and cheerfully snaps Xander's wrist. Xander gasps in pain. Willow and Anya blanch.

WILLOW
Xander!

OLAF
NOW CHOOSE!

ANYA
Olaf! No!

XANDER
(through his pain)
I won't choose!

OLAF
THEN YOU SHALL BE THE ONE TO DIE!

Olaf moves in close to Xander, his hammer raised for the killing blow.

ANYA
Choose me! Choose me to die!
Just don't take him!

Olaf and Xander both pause and look to Anya.

ANYA
Don't take Xander!

Willow grabs a vial off the counter, dumps powder into her hand. She throws it.

WILLOW
(in Latin)
Let the monster disappear.

The CASH REGISTER DISAPPEARS again as before.

WILLOW
Damn!

Buffy bursts in, Giles and Tara right behind her. Olaf turns to face Buffy as Xander collapses against a wall, cradling his broken wrist.

ANYA
Buffy!

WILLOW
Tara, stay back!

Buffy charges at Olaf.

ANYA
Buffy! The hammer! The strength is
in the hammer!

Buffy fights, dodging the hammer, barely escaping. Anya and Willow share a look.

WILLOW
The hammer...

Willow grabs a book.

ANYA
How can I help?

WILLOW
Distract him from Buffy. Piss him off.

ANYA
I don't know how!

WILLOW
Anya, listen. I have faith in you.
There is no one you cannot piss off.

Willow draws runes on the counter.

ANYA
Hey! Olaf! You are as inadequate a
troll as you were a boyfriend!

Olaf twitches a little, but keeps fighting.

ANYA
You are hairy and unattractive and
even women trolls are put off by your
various odors!

WILLOW
(softly, in Latin)
Tool of vengeance, weapon mythic,
arise, arise, defy the earth...

The hammer starts to quiver and glow in Olaf's grasp. He doesn't notice, being now all focused on Anya.

ANYA
Your menacing stance is merely mildly
alarming and your roar is less than
full-throated!

OLAF
DESIST! MY GOD, WOMAN, IT'S BEEN A
THOUSAND YEARS AND YOU ARE YET AS
AGGRAVATING AND EMASCULATING AS EVER
YOU WERE!

He swings the now-glowing hammer at Anya. She ducks it and Willow keeps reading.

WILLOW
(in Latin)
Fly with force, deny thy master. Fly!

The hammer glows brighter and FLINGS ITSELF out of Olaf's grasp. It hits the wall, then the floor, the glow dying out.

ANYA
Hey! Good job!

WILLOW
You too. Very irritating.

Buffy faces the now-hammerless Olaf!

BUFFY
(triumphantly)
So. Your power's in your hammer.

Buffy charges him. He hits her bare-handed and she is thrown against the wall. She throws a quick look at Anya.

ANYA
Oh yeah. He still has all that
troll-strength.

OLAF
YOU WILL ALL DIE! I WILL DISPENSE
NO MERCY NOW!

Buffy gets up, charges Olaf, drives him back, but not much. He swipes at her, and she grabs his arm, twists it back, having to use her whole body to grip it. He shakes free of her.

OLAF
WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR, MINISCULE
BLONDE ONE? YOUR FRIENDS? THESE TWO?

He indicates Anya and Xander.

OLAF
THEY WILL NEVER LAST. ANYANKA IS
VERY DIFFICULT TO LIVE WITH, AND HE,
HE IS LUDICROUS AND FAR TOO
BREAKABLE. THEIR LOVE WILL NEVER
LAST.

Buffy looks up at him. Her eyes well with tears, her chin trembles. She uses her fear and concern to… kick Olaf against the wall, hard. He looks at her in surprise. She charges at him and he flinches.

Xander, cradling his wrist, joins Willow and Anya at the counter.

WILLOW
(to Xander and Anya)
She's got him now.

Anya looks at Xander's wrist.

ANYA
(to Xander)
Poor baby.

Buffy definitely has the upper hand now. Olaf sails though frame in front of the trio. Buffy runs through after him. Willow, Xander and Anya watch the now off-screen fight, their heads following the clearly-violent action.

XANDER
You really dated him?

ANYA
Yes.

XANDER
But you like me better.

ANYA
Yes. Willow likes you too, but not
in a sexy way 'cuz she's gay, and she
won't break us up so it's all okay.

From off-screen:

OLAF (O.S.)
UNHAND ME! THAT HURTS A GREAT DEAL!

INT. MAGIC BOX - LATER - NIGHT

Buffy stands over the unconscious Olaf. She holds his hammer. He smiles in his sleep, jovial as ever. Willow is in the middle of a spell. Anya, Xander, Tara and Giles look on. Xander has fashioned a makeshift wrap for his wrist.

WILLOW
...and let the transposition be complete.

There's a magical poof of some kind, and Olaf is gone.

BUFFY
Where did you send him?

ANYA
The Land of the Trolls. He'll like
it there. Full of trolls.

WILLOW
It's hard to be precise, though.
Alternate universes don't stay put.
Sending him to a specific place is
like, like trying to hit a puppy by
throwing a live bee at it. Which is
a weird image and you should all
just forget it.

ANYA
It's possible that he's in the Land
of Perpetual Wednesday or Crazy Melty
Land or the World Without Shrimp.

TARA
There's a world without shrimp?
(to Willow)
I'm allergic.

WILLOW
He's prob'ly in Troll-land.

BUFFY
I only care that he's not here and I
got a nifty new souvenir.

Buffy casually sets the hammer on a glass-topped case. It smashes through.

BUFFY
Oops.

Look at you guys...
(looking at Xander and Anya)
So good and alive and together.

She starts to cry.

BUFFY
(looking at Willow and Tara)
So together... and good... and alive...

Everyone looks uncomfortable as Buffy cries harder.

BUFFY
I'm just so... happy for you!

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